It's March

March First

I cannot believe it is already March. I say that everytime a new month comes around, I know. But this is going so quickly. However...I find myself torn between the relief that soon I will go home and the sadness that  is the reality of leaving this place I have come to love.  I have made friends here. I now have relationships with people in this country that I would never have even dreamed of having 5 months ago.

For a while I was comforted by the idea that I could really make a home anywhere. That I could feel so comfortable and at home anywhere, really. I don't know what exactly the change was...perhaps it was my time alone in Sapporo, or coming back to Kikuchi which until I got here for the second time, felt like it was always far away (I considered a part of the "end" of my trip). But I'm here and it's been two and a half weeks. I am thankful for the caring and frienly people here. Muto-san, Hitomi-san, Katsu and Hiro have really saved me...without them (and perhaps the chickens, who I chat with everyday) I would probably not be doing so well right now. They were nice to me two months ago, but this time around I really feel like they have accepted me into their lives, that I'm more than just a foreigner coming for a little while...of course I'll never know what they feel, but that's what I like to think...

However, I have come to realize that there is absolutely nothing in this world that can truly make me feel the way my family does. I'm sure people are reading that and thinking that I must be pretty stupid to not have realized that before hand. I love my family. Everyone has issues, but working through them and forgiving is part of that love. I guess here I have come to realize that it is hard to find that, harder than I first thought...I think now that I have been here for a little longer, I have come to need something more substantial.  Even today Muto-san told me something along the lines of "American families are 'tighter' than Japanese families". I think that can have many meanings. Person by person we take away what we want. I know that I kissed my parents good night until middle school (with a good night kiss it created a shell to protect me from nightmares).
 I know that we always say "I love you". I know I can go to my family for anything. We say Hi and Bye when we come and go. We take forever hanging up the phone because neither of us wants to be the one to end it. We eat dinner together and laugh and talk. We are family, but also like friends.  I do know every family is not like ours, but also know that we are not alone. Maybe in the USA. Maybe here, there are families like ours. But there is only one family that I really love in this way and that is mine. I miss them. I do.

I listen to music, songs about going home. Make up my own too, sometimes. Sing them in the morning in my hour washing eggs... walking to the chicken coop...in the shower...gathering logs...whatever.

Maybe it is the many rainy days that has made me sad.

Or the reality that I'll be going home so soon.

Maybe it's seeing this family here...seeing Hitomi-san joke with Hiro, the two sons chatting, Muto-san taking care of his mother...and me wishing I could be back.

But something good has happened, a little perk in my lonliness. Today I went with Muto-san to pick up a WWOOFer from Kagoshima. She is 24 and went to college for technical studies and teaching. Recently I watched that movie, "Kamome no Shokudo" thta Katsu reccomended to me and loved. So I asked this new WWOOFer (while the three of us sat in Joyfull enjoying drinks and chocolate parfait) what movies she likes. She said, "Hmmm, well, so you know Kamome no Shokudo?". Muto-san and I could hardly believe it! Muto-san was probably a little disappointed because he doesn't care for those kind of movies (movies brinking on being a bore unless you have a fine appreciation for the film style, little artistic details and beautiful simplicity) but I was happy. She studied carpentry, plants, and electricity at college so that she can teach middle schoolers. She likes plants, especially herbs and using them in cooking but also ones for around the house. Her name is Megumi-san. I am really, really happy she is here. We are sharing the room with the bunk bed, and I've only know her for ten hours but I feel like we've known eachother for much longer. This is a blessing. I am so thankful that she is who she is...I hope it gets sunny so we can do fun work together.